Every year since, I have known it was the anniversary date. The first year involved a lot of sadness and a lot of hopelessness. The second year was met with more sadness and anxiety. This third anniversary came and went without me even realizing it was the anniversary.
As I was putting away some paperwork in Abigail's school file this weekend, I came upon her diagnosis letter. Then I realized I had made it through another year learning to live with the autism and letting this day go by without any major fits of depression.
Abigail is not the little baby, not even two years old, who walked around in circles without looking or engaging with anyone. She is not the little girl who threw fits left and right without any reason. She is not the child that could not drink from a cup by herself or care if she was wet or dirty.
I am not the same parent, either. I am not the mother who was so scared of "autism" that I could not read a news story or book on the subject without becoming a basket case. I am not trying to "fix" her anymore. I am not the parent that let autism be her excuse. I am not letting her behavior or delays dictate how good I am at being her parent.
As we approach year three of this diagnosis, I have hope and gratitude. Hope for communication, whether verbal or not. Hope for her general well being and happiness. Hope that I have made the right decisions to put Curly on a good path. Hope that I will meet professionals that will continue to help our daughter. Hope for future inventions and treatments that will help not only Curly but all of us with autistic children.
I have a tremendous amount of gratitude for all who have helped us get to this place. We were lost three years ago, trying our best to navigate around this diagnosis. So much information and so many different paths we could have taken. Thank you to all. From the CDSA caseworkers and therapists to the doctors to the teachers to the support systems we have become involved with, you will never know what your presence and your guidance has done for us and our little girl.
Three years have come and gone. Three years of anxiety, stress, decisions, conflicts, happiness, sadness, frustration, jubilation, and growth. Abigail is a different girl today. She is a happy, content, smiley, loving little girl who has a lot of struggles everyday but she faces them head on and I love her more today than I did three years ago because of all she has gone through.
Abigail, you have made me a stronger, more determined person, and given me more fight than I ever thought I could have. You gave a purpose and a reason for being here. I admire you more than you will ever know.
While we do not celebrate this anniversary like others in our life, we remember the triumphs and struggles that got us to this point. We remember the lows and highs of the past three years. We know there are struggles ahead but will go day by day for the rest of our days.
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