This month, it will be three years since our first born was diagnosed with autism. Barely two years old then and completely in her own world with just glimpses of the baby that we so adored. We are not those parents that swear at 15 months of age our child went from typical to very not typical. Abigail's diagnosis was not a shock to our systems. We had been telling doctors for close to a year prior to her diagnosis that she was not typical and had some issues.
I remember fighting to get her help. I remember wishing so much that she would just "snap out of it". I remember the lies that were told to those around us so that we could make everyone else believe she was "normal". But mostly I remember that hot summer day in 2008 when the following words were spoken, "We believe your daughter has autism".
It was beyond devastating to me to know now what I had been thinking for months. I could not imagine what the future was going to hold for her and the rest of our family. I stopped looking at her life years in advance and now prayed I could get through each new day.
The days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. There were bad days that went into bad weeks and months. There were huge great days where I saw a little bit of my Abigail return, even if it was just for a second. I saw therapists and doctors and teachers help this little girl with the simplest things and work with her for months, even years, to get a new skill that a typical child would get on the first try. I saw my baby try to communicate but could not get the words or gestures out.
In the past three years, there have been moments of such incredible joy, like the first time she ate real food or signed for "more". There were times of sadness and frustration, like when the autism tantrums got so bad that she was trying to hurt herself. Overall, I have seen this baby turn into a toddler and now into a little girl who struggles so much with her abilities and disabilities for that matter. But I have also seen a little girl who is sweet, funny, and determined.
Three years ago, I worried about her future. I still do. Three years ago, I wondered how I was going to make it through each new day. I still do. Three years ago, I thought my world had crumbled. Now I know it did not crumble, I was given a new path and a new reason for being here in Abigail's world.
Sometimes, I feel as lost in my world as Abigail does in hers. Sometimes, I need help and usually more help than what I am given. Sometimes, I wonder what she would be like if she didn't have autism. Sometimes, I am jealous of those with typical children. Sometimes, I wish others knew what raising a child with autism was really like.
But always, I am grateful. Grateful for Abigail. Grateful for the people that have gotten inside the autism and gave us pieces of this little girl back. Grateful to be here fighting for her, being her voice.
I may have not asked for this life but I am so happy to be living a life of purpose because of my curly.
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