Yesterday, I stumbled upon some old videotapes from Abigail's first two years. I had stuck them away in the closet because I could not watch them anymore. I could not see the baby who I had such high hopes for turn into the toddler who has severe autism. I could not watch these because everytime I watched them, I was reminded of her disability. A look in the eyes, a lack of speech and attention, the repetitive play, and the outbursts all just shout autism to me. So I stuck the tapes away and wondered if I ever would be able to view these again.
I guess yesterday I felt strong enough to view them. I started with Abigail's birth. What a gift I was given almost five years ago. I really did not know what I was doing with her or where our future together would lead us. She was just my precious little girl who I loved more than any other thing in my life ever. I wanted the best for her. I would do anything to make her life as good as it could possibly be. I loved holding her, rocking her, singing to her. I just was so in love with this little creature and the moment she came into my life, I felt a completeness that I had never had before. So many memories on that first tape. A time in our lives that was really peaceful. No delays, diagnosis, or therapies to deal with. It was just us....our family of three.
The next set of tapes revolved around her first birthday. She had some serious delays by this time. She did have a couple words and was babbling. She had full fledged sensory issues that were pretty evident as she was forced to touch tissue paper and cake. I did not realize it then how severe her behaviors were. I guess I was in denial because looking back at the tape now, it is clear to see. Sometimes, life is too hard to face and a little denial for a little while helps you deal with each new day. This tape was full of that same blank look in her eyes as we see today. It was full of a little baby that did not want to be surrounded by people. She wanted to be alone. I wish I could have seen her with my eyes wide open then. She had clear cut signs of autism. Looking back, I think we probably did see it but couldn't or didn't want to admit it.
Our next round of tapes were taken shortly before our daughter Audrey was born. Abigail was around 15 months old. She was playing a game of basketball with daddy while I filmed. After one basket, she came over to me and said, "I did it". It was the last phrase she would say. There have been no consistent words since. She went silent shortly after this video was shot. No babbling, no sounds at all. I remember being devastated that she lost words. I remember the anxiety and worry as every month went by without any words. As I sat watching this video, I wondered, "Is this the last time I will hear her talk?" I would literally do anything to hear that sweet voice say any word. She was not only talking in this video but also playing a game with us. She wanted us involved in her play. I miss that. Once in a while, she will let us into her world. But it is few and far between. I miss my little girl that babbled, called for daddy, and let me play with her. I can only hope now that eventually she will return.
The last video took place around the time Abigail turned two. One look at her and anyone could tell the autism was taking over. She was silent. She sat in a corner looking at a book backwards and rocked. She did not play appropriately and wanted to be left alone. She would throw major tantrums. Not the typical two year tantrums either. She would meltdown without warning and it could last up to four hours. She did not want to be around her sister Audrey who was then about 5 months old. She would stare at the TV for hours without attempting to let you into her world. It was a very hard time. She had been diagnosed a few months earlier and it was a dark time in my life. I was trying to figure out how and if I would be able to parent a special needs child while still giving her baby sister the life she deserved.
Looking back at these tapes, I see the love I have for that child in my eyes, in good times and bad. I see how much I really enjoyed being home with Abigail for that first year before the signs of autism appeared. I see how hard her behaviors were two to three years ago and how far she has come. I see how far I have come. Being able to watch these tapes is a huge step for me. I have accepted Abigail in every way. My first born has taught me a lot about myself and how to parent my other children. I love this little girl with all my heart, always have and always will. Thank you Abigail for letting me come along for the ride.
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