5 Year Anniversary

Today, it has been five years.

•   Five years of survival.  Five years of hoping for communication.  Five years of trying everything we know.  Five years of meltdowns from her and us. 

• Five years has felt like one hundred at times and also flown by. 

•  Five years of harassing doctors and insurance companies and state and federal organizations that are all supposed to help this girl but very rarely do.

• Five years of messes on the floor, walls, and anything else she can get her hands on.

• Five years of trying to understand her world and get inside of it.

• Five years of therapies and meetings to tell us about what she can not do.

• Five years of doctor's appointments that blame all and everything on her disability.

The day was August 26, 2008.  Abigail was diagnosed with autism.  It was the most gut-wrenching, life-changing day of my life.  Life was good and happy and pretty calm up until that day.  Every day that has followed has been complete chaos and emotionally draining. 

There were moments and still are at times, that we wondered if we could make it through the day.  There was meetings so draining with news so devastating that we could not contain our emotions.
There was a little girl who at age 20 months was given a label that she would carry for the rest of her life.

It was on this day that I become more caregiver and less mom.  I became, in public, the fighter, the advocator, her protector.  In private, I was crumbling and broken.

There have been good moments that have kept me going.  But these are few and far between.

Like the first time she would hold my hand or give me a hug.  The first time she looked at me when I said her name.  The first time she used her spoon to feed herself.  The first time she drank from her sippy cup by herself.  The first time I saw her swim. 

Or the times that she smiles at her sisters or gives us her amazing, heart-fulfilling laugh.  Or when she is just happy.  These are the moments we cherish and give us the energy to keep us going when things are not so good.

There have been so many people who have helped us along the way.  From the psychologist who diagnosed her who was so patient and kind to us at such a devastating time.  To the therapists who were like members of our family in those early days.  We had an amazing preschool group who worked with her and became so special to me.  I could not have made it through that period of time without you all.  You not only helped me with Abigail but also gave me something to smile about, when at home, there were no smiles. 

To the school teachers who have gone above and beyond to help Abigail.  I don't know how you all get to her in a way that we still struggle to.  I am so grateful for your time and efforts. 

To Beacon School and Athens, thank you for accepting my girls, all with their special issues, and our family to your community.  I feel so blessed that Abigail has so many wonderful, caring individuals looking after her and making her feel that she is a part of this great community.  Abigail is happier than we have ever seen her and it is a testament to the wonderful things you have given her.

As we move forward into year six, I am more realistic than ever about Abigail's future.  I see what was a 20 month Abigail turning into an almost seven year old.  I have learned more than I ever wanted to know about autism in these last five years.  I have felt depleted and encouraged all at the same time.  Life with Abigail is for sure never dull but I could not imagine life without her and am grateful for the lessons she has taught me in these last five years.