It amazes me that it has been almost 3 years since Abigail was diagnosed. There have been moments of great sadness and great accomplishment. I have always said I would never want to relive the months, weeks, and days that led to her diagnosis. The clinicians who did her diagnosis were incredible. They were so caring and considerate of us, her parents, during this time. I could never possibly thank them enough for their help during that time. I remember hearing, "We think your daughter has autism" from these great people and feeling like I was crumbling. I thought I had to be so brave. I held in the tears and the screams and the madness until the professionals left. Then I melted. I think I cried more in the weeks that followed Abigail's diagnosis than ever before. There were times just saying her name or looking at her would send me into a hysterical meltdown. I had so much blame, so much anger, so much anxiety about her diagnosis.
I no longer have the blame. I learned that blaming myself does not help Abigail. It only hurts her. The more I blame myself, the more energy I have wasted. The time I spend blaming myself, is time I could spend with Abigail helping her.
I still have the anger. I HATE autism. I HATE what autism has done to my family. I HATE what autism has taken away from my beautiful Abigail. Autism took away all the hopes and dreams I once had for Abigail. It took away her "normal" childhood. It took away her speech. I would give anything to hear her say even just one word. It took away her milestones. It took away her relationship with her siblings. It had such a great hold on my sweet litle girl and still does. There are days all I can see is my baby girl stuck in a body that is being controlled by her autism. There are days I am so mad at this disorder that I could just scream. My sweet Abigail will always have this aweful disorder with her for the rest of her life. I don't really know if I will ever get over the anger. You, autism, have taken over our lives, and for that I will always have anger with you.
Anxiety, oh boy, do I ever have that. I am full of anxiety about everything that surrounds Abigail's condition to how our family is affected by her disorder. I worry about her future constantly. I am a planner by nature and want to know what the future holds at all times. It is beyond difficult for me to not know what Abigail's future holds. I have been told she will need a lot of help as an adult. I will be there for her till the day I die. What concerns me is what happens to her when Jason and I are no longer around. I wake up in the morning worrying about this and go to bed each night with worry. I worry that I have made the right decisions every single day for Abigail. I worry that her IEP benefits her. I worry about paying for therapies. I worry about how other children treat her when I am not around. I worry about Audrey and Allie and how Abigail's autism affects them. I worry that I am not readily available to my other girls because of Abigail's needs. I worry how the stress from having a special needs child affects my relationship with my husband. I worry about the unknown. Will Abigail ever get speech? Will Abigail ever get potty trained? Will she ever have some self help skills and learn to do things on her own? Will she ever eat table foods? Will she make friends? Will she be happy? Is she happy now?
The anxiety and sometimes the depression that goes with having a special needs child can be crippling. I think I have come a long way in the past three years. I know Abigail has. I will forever be indebted to the professionals that have worked with Abigail and do so today. Somehow, they have and do make my days a little nicer and I appreciate them more than ever.
Three years ago, I was in a very dark place full of hatred, fear, and despair. Once I got out of that place, I swore I could never go through that again. I still feel that way. It would not be beneficial to me or helpful to my children to go back to that place. I just hope with each day that I have enough strength to get me through this day. Day by day, moment by moment. Autism, this is what you have taught me.
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