Light It Blue

Light It Up Blue is an awareness event sponsored by Autism Speaks.  On April 1st and 2nd, the plan is to simply Light It Blue.  April is Autism Awareness Month and to start the month off, Autism Speaks is asking everyone to participate in Light It Up Blue.  You can do this by 1)  Wearing Blue Clothing, 2)  Wear the Autism Puzzle Piece, or 3) Put blue light bulbs in your outdoor fixtures.  Start conversations with your co-workers, neighbors, and friends as to why you are lighting your world up blue. 

Any awareness one can bring to autism is beneficial to our cause.  One in 110 kids are diagnosed with autism.  Every 17 minutes, a child is diagnosed.  Our children with autism need to be accepted into our world.  The more you can learn about this devastating disorder, the better our world will be. 

Please on April 1 and April 2nd, Light It Up Blue!

*For more information, check out Autism Speaks  http://www.lightitupblue.org/

Autism's Life Lesson

It amazes me that it has been almost 3 years since Abigail was diagnosed.  There have been moments of great sadness and great accomplishment.  I have always said I would never want to relive the months, weeks, and days that led to her diagnosis.  The clinicians who did her diagnosis were incredible.  They were so caring and considerate of us, her parents, during this time.  I could never possibly thank them enough for their help during that time.  I remember hearing, "We think your daughter has autism" from these great people and feeling like I was crumbling.  I thought I had to be so brave.  I held in the tears and the screams and the madness until the professionals left.  Then I melted.  I think I cried more in the weeks that followed Abigail's diagnosis than ever before.  There were times just saying her name or looking at her would send me into a hysterical meltdown.  I had so much blame, so much anger, so much anxiety about her diagnosis. 

I no longer have the blame.  I learned that blaming myself does not help Abigail.  It only hurts her.  The more I blame myself, the more energy I have wasted.  The time I spend blaming myself, is time I could spend with Abigail helping her. 

I still have the anger.  I HATE autism.  I HATE what autism has done to my family.  I HATE what autism has taken away from my beautiful Abigail.  Autism took away all the hopes and dreams I once had for Abigail.  It took away her "normal" childhood.  It took away her speech.  I would give anything to hear her say even just one word.  It took away her milestones.  It took away her relationship with her siblings.  It had such a great hold on my sweet litle girl and still does.  There are days all I can see is my baby girl stuck in a body that is being controlled by her autism.  There are days I am so mad at this disorder that I could just scream.  My sweet Abigail will always have this aweful disorder with her for the rest of her life.  I don't really know if I will ever get over the anger.  You, autism, have taken over our lives, and for that I will always have anger with you.

Anxiety, oh boy, do I ever have that.  I am full of anxiety about everything that surrounds Abigail's condition to how our family is affected by her disorder.  I worry about her future constantly.  I am a planner by nature and want to know what the future holds at all times.  It is beyond difficult for me to not know what Abigail's future holds.  I have been told she will need a lot of help as an adult.  I will be there for her till the day I die.  What concerns me is what happens to her when Jason and I are no longer around.  I wake up in the morning worrying about this and go to bed each night with worry.  I worry that I have made the right decisions every single day for Abigail.  I worry that her IEP benefits her.  I worry about paying for therapies.  I worry about how other children treat her when I am not around.  I worry about Audrey and Allie and how Abigail's autism affects them.  I worry that I am not readily available to my other girls because of Abigail's needs.  I worry how the stress from having a special needs child affects my relationship with my husband.  I worry about the unknown.  Will Abigail ever get speech?  Will Abigail ever get potty trained?  Will she ever have some self help skills and learn to do things on her own?  Will she ever eat table foods?  Will she make friends?  Will she be happy?  Is she happy now? 

The anxiety and sometimes the depression that goes with having a special needs child can be crippling.  I think I have come a long way in the past three years.  I know Abigail has.  I will forever be indebted to the professionals that have worked with Abigail and do so today.  Somehow, they have and do make my days a little nicer and I appreciate them more than ever.

Three years ago, I was in a very dark place full of hatred, fear, and despair.  Once I got out of that place, I swore I could never go through that again.  I still feel that way.  It would not be beneficial to me or helpful to my children to go back to that place.  I just hope with each day that I have enough strength to get me through this day.  Day by day, moment by moment.  Autism, this is what you have taught me.

Blessings

I am a very proud mother of three.  Three little girls that I try to do everything for.  I try to make all their wishes come true.  Of course, I fail at this from time to time.  But I do feel like I am giving them a lot of extras that my own parents couldn't afford to give me or weren't readily available for them.  Sometimes I feel amazed that they have what they have.  There are so many others who do not have the gifts that they have.  My kids have a warm, loving roof over their head.  They always have food to eat.  They are kept clean and have clothes on their bodies.  They are being given some of the best medical care that one could hope for.  They have tons of toys and books.  Most importantly, they have two parents who adore them and would provide all that we could for any one of them.

We feel lucky to be able to give them this life.  We are very blessed.  I can not believe how lucky my own life is.  I get to spend my days with a husband that loves me even when I look like I just rolled out of bed and even when I am so stressed that the wrong word would send me into a craze.

  I have a gorgeous Abigail Rose that has gave me meaning and a purpose in
my life.  She has taught me to take time to smell the roses and appreciate life today instead of always looking forward and missing what is so great about today.  I am so very proud of her for everything she does in her life....as life is a little bit more difficult for my Abigail Rose. 

Audrey Marie is the light at the end of the tunnel when you think your life is in complete darkness.  I will forever be grateful to her for making me move on from Abigail's diagnosis.  She makes me laugh when there isn't much to laugh about.  She is so smart and makes me feel like what I am doing at home with her matters.  I admire her compassion towards Abigail and her ability to know when I need a kiss and a hug to make my day a little sweeter.

Georgia Alexandra (Allie)  is a gift that we did not plan or expect.  Her hugs are what moms live for.  Her laugh is infectious.   She is smart beyond her age.  She lights up my day everytime I see her.  I love to hold her and kiss her head and just enjoy her as a baby.  My life was complete with her birth.

Some days you really get caught up in the negativity that surrounds raising a special needs child.  My babies are growing up fast.   They need me less and less.  My life is a million times better than I ever thought it would be.  I do not know what the future holds but the love of my family is what sustains me.  It keeps me focused and happy.  I can not imagine my life without any one of them. 

Remember to think about your blessings.  Remember the important things in life.  Remember that so many others have it so much worse than you.  These are the things I think of when I am having a bad day.  My girls are my greatest blessings and everything else is just icing on the cake.